The Writing of Vows in Vogue
by Lisa Loy
In this era of unconventionalism, especially in matters spiritual, more and more couples are choosing to express themselves uniquely in their marriage ceremonies by writing their own vows.
On the Outer Banks in particular, many couples travel from throughout America bringing family and friends to celebrate their nuptials with them, yet they rarely bring their hometown cleric. Faced with the prospect of planning a ceremony with someone they've just met, the idea of writing their own vows has come into vogue. It enables the couple to express themselves in a personal and familiar way.
Being a wordsmith myself, I believe that engaging the pen is time well spent. Communicating your vows of love and perpetuity to each other is a contract, a meeting of the minds. Beyond all the beautiful accoutrements of the day, your vows are the nucleus of your marriage ceremony. It's important to get it right. Moreover, the spoken word can be a form of art, infusing the ceremony with greater meaning and understanding. Your vows, like inspirational poetry or prose, can be treasured every bit as much as your photo album.
If the idea of writing your own vows is appealing, but you find yourself hesitant (no one wants to sound cheesy after all), then perhaps you'll find the suggestions on this page of benefit.
First, the decision to write your own vows must be mutual. For some, the mere idea of it can feel like an expos' in progress and send a groom or bride, formerly known as a logical, intelligent person, running for the safety of a tried-and-true generic set of vows available at every minister and
magistrate's office. If half of the happy
couple shows signs of panic, be kind and remember that very person is about to be known forever after as "your better half." You might gentle them into the comfort zone with patience and by providing the tools to pass Successful Vow Writing 101 in a fun and loving way. The pen is mightier than the sword, and if one of you isn't comfortable with it, keep your sword in its sheath. You can acquiesce during the
ceremony using traditional vows, and still say it your way in a beautiful letter, opened privately before the ceremony, or given in the way of a toast during the reception.
If you both decide to write your own vows, begin early. Long before the last minute
jitters kick in and your gray matter has turned into minestrone, feed your minds with the materials you'll need to accurately and artfully say it your way. Will you choose to collaborate? It can make for a wonderfully romantic evening if you plan ahead. Beyond the wine and roses, bring your mementos and memories, old letters and photos, and any books that inspire you to the table. Make it a warm, comfy, sweatpants sort of evening without distractions, save the rustling of paper and scratch of the pencil or the clickety clack of your laptop.
It may be that going it alone is preferable. In this way, your vows may become a gift, unveiled during the ceremony for the first time, with each of you speaking from your hearts, unfettered by the influence of the other.
Conversely, writing your own vows doesn't necessitate complete originality. What truly are your influences? There are no copyrights on how to express your love. No one is going to claim royalties if you quote them, no one is going to mind if you borrow a line from your favorite movie, and certainly, the guy upstairs would approve of your use of scripture. Remember, your guests love you too, and judging you isn't the reason they're attending your wedding. The way you choose to declare yourself, whether it's with "something borrowed or something new, is your decision. The main point here is that your vows communicate your feelings, your intentions in the marriage, and your promise to each other.
Remember too that marriages today are often more than an agreement between two people. If either or both of you are already parents, your vows are an ideal time to confirm your affection and commitment to each other's children. Blended families can be strengthened from the start by inclusion in the vows.
Once written, revisit. It always helps to wait a day or two and ponder again your choice of words. Do they represent the real you, or is it the wine talking? Most writers go back and fine-tune their work. Once you feel comfortable with your choice of words, it's time to voice your words. Say them out loud. Rehearse and find your rhythm. How's your enunciation when you've got a wide grin on your face? A master storyteller is conscious of delivery, and your vows, being a work of non-fiction, should not only be understood but savored in the years to come.
A minister once gave me this advice as key to a lasting and loving marriage. He said, 'Begin each day by silently renewing your wedding vow. You can do it while you are shaving or in the shower. It will help you stay focused."
Your vows, make them a living testament of your love.
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